Category: eLearning ENG4U

The moon hung in the sky, casting a pale glow on the village beneath it. A figure slipped through the milky light into the most secluded of the houses. It pushed open the door, and stepped inside. A single candle illuminated the figure’s face. It was a woman, whose hair was streaked with grey. Lines of care and worry creased her brow and cheeks. There were lines of laughter and joy, but the most recent were years old. She gently laid her pack on the ground, opened it, and withdrew a slightly stale loaf of bread. Taking the loaf, she opened her cupboard and deposited the crusty chunk inside.

She padded softly to the back of the house and eased open the door. The crack of light revealed a quivering body, curled up on a bed. The woman walked over and looked on the shaking form with concern. She reached out and gently rested the back of her hand on a young boy’s cheek. He flinched away from her touch and curled up tighter. He lay in the exact center of the bed, as if the distance between him and the edges of the bed could keep the darkness at bay.  His hands clenched over his ears as he whimpered softly; his eyes were screwed shut.

Outside the house, a wooden shingle slid off the roof, hitting the ground with a thud. The woman caught her breath and looked nervously around. She slid open the window, and peered outside. Then she shut the window tightly, locked it, and pulled a moth eaten curtain across the opening.
She turned back toward the bed. A ratty old blanket sat in a crumpled heap beside the bed, so the woman picked it up and gently laid it across the boy’s shivering body. She then strode over to the door, slipped out, and shut it quickly. Darkness filled the room once again as the boy’s whimpers grew to a feverish pitch.

In the main room, the light of the candle still flickered softly. The woman walked in and around the sparse furnishings, tidying with a practiced ease. When she had finished, she let herself down onto a wooden chair. All was silent but for her soft breathing and muffled noises from the back room. The woman’s face creased in thought; her hand slipped absentmindedly into her pocket. She withdrew a tattered bracelet. It was loosely woven, and somewhat sloppy; it looked like the handiwork of a young child, the kind of gift a toddler presents a parent in exchange for praise and affection. The cords were tired and faded with age. The woman’s eyes became misty as her fingers passed over the rough strings. After a period of contemplation, she placed the bracelet back in her pocket. The chair creaked slightly as the woman got up. She checked over the house, making sure the windows were all sealed shut and covered. Then she walked over to the door, picked up her pack, and slipped out into the night.

That morning, I woke up in a dark room. At first I thought it was still night, but there was light streaming through the cracks in the windows. I was relieved, because the light seemed to cut through the darkness in the room, it gave me hope to replace my fear.
As I went into the kitchen, if you could call it a kitchen, I smelled some bread. It wasn’t the warm doughy smell of freshly baked bread, but it was bread nonetheless. I struggled with the cupboard latch for a moment, but finally got it open and began to eat the bread. It was stale. No matter, I’m sure Anna, the woman who looked after me when she could, had tried her best.
My heart jumped in my chest as someone started to pound on the door, shouting for me to open it. I had to hide, or they would try to drive me out of the village.
When had I returned from the darkness surrounding the town, they had viewed me with suspicion. They claimed I’d never come back at all, but that the darkness had possessed me. They were just afraid of what they didn’t know. I had to hide though, because they’d managed to pry the door open.

They burst through and began searching everywhere. I was afraid, so I curled up into a tight ball under my bed. I could hear them in the other room, searching behind curtains, in cupboards, and anywhere else they imagined I’d hide. I could also hear them slamming doors and overturning tables when they didn’t find me.The room my bed was in must have looked run down or abandoned; two of them circled the room once, then left, but not before smashing one of the windows. After they argued sufficiently, with a lot of shouting, they left the house, slamming the door shut behind them. Once I was sure they were gone, I relaxed slightly. I peeked my head out from under the bed, and looked around. I slowly eased the rest of my body out, constantly checking around to make sure they were gone. Nothing had happened so far, so I tiptoed through the house, trying not to make any noise. As I walked into the main room, I was shocked to see the damage they’d done. Most of the cupboards were smashed in and fragments of busted furniture was scattered around the room. I walked around the room, trying to take it all in, not really paying attention to where I was walking. In my absent mindedness, I stepped on a fragment of wood about as long as my forearm; it broke with a large snap. The snap rang in my ears I held my breath, looking fearfully at the door. After a moment or two’s pause, nothing had happened, so I slowly walked to the window, eased it open, and looked outside. The men’s backs were turned as they walked away. I was safe, for now.

The door burst open as the lot of us stumbled through it. We spread out and began to search throughout the house, checking every crack that dirty rat might be hiding in. I was sure he’d be hiding in the cupboards. He seemed to have a knack for fitting in tiny spaces. He wasn’t in there, so I slammed the cupboard door in frustration. A few of us split off and went into the back room of the house. I heard a smash, and started to walk toward the room, but they came out a moment later with shards of broken window stuck in their boots. He wasn’t in there either.
When the rest of the men realized that he wasn’t in here, they flew into a rage, and started to smash things. They were fighting back because they were afraid. I can’t say that I blamed them, either. The boy had shouted a bunch of nonsense about him being free, last time we caught him, but I wasn’t convinced. No-one goes into that place and gets out. That darkness had to be using him to get to us. Eventually the men decided that he wasn’t here, and we began to single file walk out of the house. We stood outside the door for a bit, talking about where he could have gone, but no-one had any good ideas. After some talk, we all started walking down the street, most of them were going to the saloon to drown their fear in a pint. I hung to the back of the group for some reason. I thought I’d heard a snap behind me. It was probably nothing. Just my mind getting to me.

The shadows crept under the door, and along the walls, creating shapes that darted and pulsed with an otherworldly life.Color runs and hides as the darkness covers it. The floor is empty, barren. What space objects failed to occupy, the darkness gladly did. The shadows to grew and swirled and receded in the blank space. The pale streams of light that peek through the cracks in the window frame lived to touch the floor, but they got no further. Even the warm comforts of the bed cannot ward off the dark chills that creep around the edges of the room. The invisible tricks of the imagination that are almost seen, but mostly felt, dance around the bed. The night transforms the tattered curtains into hooded figures, waiting to attack in my sleep, or ghastly apparitions here to haunt me. The whiteness of the covers seemed sickly compared to the black of the room. The cold sucked my breath out of the air, and a chill began to creep over my head, the only uncovered part of my body. Parts of the ceiling sagged threateningly near the center; the little cracks spiderwebbed across the surface, thinning out as they approached the wall. The sound of the wind pushing the shingles around on the roof sound more like the clack and clank of ghostly chains than wooden tiles. The wind picked up and howled around the corner of the house; it was a chilling sound, the shrieks of the night. Despite the unearthly calls and the creeping shadows, the room was empty, without companion or comfort. A particularly strong gust of wind knocked a bucket off of a windowsill, creating a loud bang. The wind then quieted down into ghastly whispers, muttering softly to the darkness; it shifted silently in reply.

The boy lay in his bed, covered by blankets up to his chin, trembling slightly. Just then, a frenzied knock came at the door. The boy’s eyes widened, and he lay still; the knocking continued, accompanied by an urgent whisper,

“Open the door, quick! They’re coming!”  After a moment’s hesitation, he slowly eased out of bed, keeping his blanket wrapped tightly around himself. He edged through the center of the room, glancing nervously around at every corner, wall, and dark space. Every groan and pop of the house made him whip around, trying to find the source of the noise.

“Shh, quiet”, he said, “go away.” His toes curled inwards, as if trying to stay as far from the outer edges of the room as possible. His body shook with intense shivers as he tried to keep the blanket wrapped around him. Time seemed to still. There was no motion except for the erie night wind gently swaying the curtains; the boy’s eyes darted back and forth, trying to catch the elusive haunts of the night. Eventually, he got himself moving again, and he slowly edged toward the door. Once he reached the closed bedroom door, he stood contemplatively for a moment, as if deciding how to best open it while keeping his extremities safe. He carefully nudged it open with his blanket covered arm; flinching back as the door creaked open slowly. The boy slowly walked through the door, trying his best not to touch the frame. As he blindly felt his way through the main room, he kept the blanket curled close around his frame. He half stumbled around the furnishings in the room without letting arms or legs be exposed to the dark. The frenzied knocking at the door continued, but instead of increasing his speed, the boy moved more carefully because of it. Despite his care, his toe met the sharp edge of a table leg. A short cry escaped his lips, but he quickly silenced it, lest the dark use his words to take form. The voice on the other side of the door heard his cry, and pleaded more strongly for entrance. As the boy reached the door, he slowly opened it, letting the form of an older woman through. She quickly closed the door and made sure every window was shut tight. Then she turned and looked at the boy. Through whatever small rays of light managed to find their way into the confined room, she could see his silhouette shaking. The pale glow revealed small gleams at the corners of his eyes. The woman’s face creased with concern as she embraced the trembling form. “Are you okay, son?” she asked. “No,” he grunted, squeezing her tightly, “it comes.”
“What’s coming?”
“Dark. Everywhere, all around. Coming for me. Must escape it”
“Son, we talked about this” She pulled him back slightly, and looked in his eyes.
“You escaped, there’s nothing coming for you. The darkness in this town is lifeless and empty.
He shook his head, eyes watering with fear. “I feel it”, he whispered, “it’s here, waiting. Why is it waiting?” A hysterical edge crept into his voice as he spoke the last words.
“Shush up, you hear?” She held him close one again” I don’t know what you you feel, but it’s safe here. Nothing’s going to get you, at least, no shadow.”
“You run”
“Yes, well, some of the people in this town aren’t as reasonable as I’d like. They’re afraid, see? That’s why you need to be brave. Fear does things to people, make’s ‘em think all backwards.”
The boy pondered this statement for a moment. “Feel no fear…?”
“That’s not what I said, son.” The woman put her hands on the boy’s shoulders. “Fear is gonna come whether you like it or not. You have to choose to not let your fear affect how you act. You need to be brave despite the fear.”
“So, feel fear. Act brave. Ignore fear?”
“That’s right”, she said, enclosing him in one final embrace, “the fear is lying to you. You’re safe here”
At those words, the sun peeked over the horizon.

The sun shone brightly over the town, acting as the spotlight of the faceoff taking place in the main square. A mid-sized woman with greying hair was shouting angrily at a tall, withered man with a thinning patch of hair atop his head. He struggled up from the bench he was sitting on to shout back.
“Anna, you cannot risk all our safeties for the sake of that boy! We need him out of here, and we need it now!”
The woman sighed, and pushed back a few unruly strands of hair.
“Johan, you don’t know that anything is wrong with that boy.”
“He’s crazy!!”
“No, he’s scared. He had a traumatic experience, and you are not helping him get over that.”
The old man blinked in surprise a few times before his resolution solidified.
“No, he needs to go. I would normally love to help a child in need, but nothing ever comes out of, well… that place.”
“And he is just that, Johan, a child. You need to stop treating him like a monster.”
The old man sighed, “You’re sure you won’t tell me where he is?”
The woman set her jaw firmly. “No”
The old man sighed, sat his hat on top of his head, and walked away.

The woman looked tired, but she gathered up her things and began to walk back towards her house. She passed the church and markets, mostly void of people. She also walked past the saloon, now overflowing with men. The afternoon shift had just ended, and they men had all come to see how to best spend their earnings. As she passed by the mostly intact windows, a few men looked up from their drinks and stumbled out the door after her. They managed to catch up with her as she turned into an alley. The leader of the men drunkenly stumbled up to her and shoved her against a wall. “Yer gonna tell us where you hid that boy, hear? And yer gonna do it quick”.

“You might want to think through what you’re doing”, the woman calmly replied.
The man spat to the side. “No! You tell me where he is, right now.” The man pulled a knife out of his belt, and held it against the woman’s throat. A fierce look entered his eye. “Or else”
The woman clenched her jaw as she spoke. “Do your worst, I’m not telling you.”
The man took a deep breath and tightened his sweaty grip on the knife. But before it could cause any damage, a large rock thudded against his skull. He abandoned his grip on the woman, howling in pain. This comrades looked around, searching for the owner of the rock; they saw a small figure duck down on the rooftop and scurry to another. The group ran after him with shouts and hollers as their leader stumbled away, clutching his head. The woman looked fearfully along the roofs with a sad look on her face. Her hand was buried in her pocket, clenched around a rough string bracelet.

Footsteps pounded over the roof as the boy ducked and weaved over loose tiles and chimneys. Once he stumbled over an uneven shingle and nearly lost his advantageous position. Occasionally he stopped to pick up a pebble or small wood block to toss at his pursuers. The shouts of the enraged men could be heard throughout the streets as they chased. Shouts of astonishment came from the houses. Heads poked out to discover the source of the pounding feet and angry cries. The boy came to the edge of a string of houses and teetered precariously on the edge of the roof. The large crowd of men massed beneath the ledge, all clamoring for the best position to capture the boy if he fell. Time slowed to a crawl as the boy flailed his arms wildly, grasping at the air for balance. After a moment’s uncertainty, he found his footing, turned on his heel, and took a running leap for the next row of houses. The men underneath gawked as the boy soared over their heads, barely landing on the next rooftop.

His slender frame sped over the wooden tiles, trying to place as much distance as he could between himself and the men behind him. He tried to stay low, running in a crouched position. Trying to confuse his assailants, he wove a complex and winding path around the town’s rooftops. Once he was relatively sure he’d lost them, he ducked behind a chimney, and waited.
All was silent. When he was sure there was no-one following him, he peeked his head over the edge and looked around. The street was empty. As he began to crawl out on the ledge, a group of men ran through the street, frantically scanning the roofs for a sign of life. Immediately, the boy pulled back and pressed himself against the tiles. The boy again waited until he was sure they were all gone. Again he peered over the edge to check for life. Again, the street was empty. Slowly, carefully, the boy slithered to the edge and checked the street: empty. He dropped to the ground with a soft thud, and began to climb through the back window of the house. Just before his feet touched the floor inside, a hand grabbed him roughly by the collar and hauled him out. “Gotcha, ya little monster, you can’t hide no more”

It was a tall man, rippled with muscle. His hands were large and accustomed to hard labour. Those same hands held the kicking, biting child as he dragged him down the street. Shouts of excitement drew the mob as the man entered the town square, captive in tow. A rough circle of people massed around a pedestal in the center of the square. The man pulled through the crowd and threw the boy against the pedestal. He stepped back, wiping his hands on his legs, as though trying to rub away the touch of the boy’s clothes. The boy curled up in a ball against the carved stone with his arms over his head. His mouth moved in silent wimpers. The man faced the crowd.

“Right then!”, the man bellowed, hushing them “We have the little rat; Anna tried to hide him, but we got ‘im!” The crowd cheered. “There’s only one question, what do we do with him now?” Another man in the crowd hoisted a fist sized rock in the air.

“I say we do him in”. Some of the crowd roared in agreement, others looked uncertain with this decidedly violent turn of events. Children clung to the legs of their parents, and mothers held their children close, shielding their eyes and ears. Fierce arguments broke out among the crowd about what the fate of the boy should be. Most of them wanted something done, but none of them wanted to take care of it personally. The arguments grew fiercer and noisier and more and more forceful. The first man stood in the center, looking around, waiting for a consensus. He didn’t find one.

Eventually he shouted “enough!”. The crowd became silent. The man circled the inside of the ring of people. “If none of you will deal with this,” he said, prodding with his finger to punctuate his words, “I will.”
His breath reeked of alcohol, and the people in the crowd drew back from it. The man wheeled and held the boy aloft by his collar.
“Whatcha gonna do now, boy? There’s nowhere to hide now.” A wicked sneer spread across his face.
“Let’s see how durable you really are”, the man said maliciously as the young boy squirmed; his eyes were wide with fear.
The man’s eyes fell on a loosely woven bracelet on the boy’s wrist. “How ‘bout we start with this?”

Anna broke through the crowd, carrying a broken table leg. She slammed it into the tall man’s stomach, and he fell with a grunt. “You leave him alone!” she screamed. The man got up, caught the leg as she swung it again, and wrenched it out of her hands.

“You stay out of this, woman”, he spat. She glared at him, the man could almost feel the heat of her gaze burning away at his skin.

She swung around and beseeched the crowd, “Please, be reasonable! He’s just a boy, afraid and very alone. You don’t have to do this to him.” The crowd shifted uneasily, refusing to look her in the eye. “Do you want his blood on your hands?” Still no answer.

Suddenly, the crowd parted slightly and a withered old man walked into the circle. “Mayor”, the woman said, and bowed her gaze. The tall man also lowered his head out of respect for the elder. “Please spare him”, the woman said quietly. At this, the tall man gritted his teeth, but offered no argument. The mayor stood in silence, taking this in.

“He’s done nothing wrong”, she said.

At this, the man spoke up.“You know what’s out there! No-one comes out of that place.You have a duty to protect this town, to protect them”, he nodded his head toward the women and children.

The old man’s brow knotted in thought. Then it loosened, and a sad look crossed over his face. He looked up at the woman.

“Anna”. His cracked voice silenced the muttering in the crowd. “You know I don’t want to hurt a child, but I need to protect this village”. He nodded to some of the men, “take him outside the border”. At these words, the boy’s eyes widened in pure terror. His mouth opened in a silent scream and he crawled back against the pedestal. Some of the men grabbed him and started to pull him down one of the streets, towards the edge of the town. The boy kicked and squirmed and fought. He yelled at the men to let him go. He bit and twisted. But the men were too strong. Once he managed to pull an arm out of the man’s grip, but all that accomplished was ripping his bracelet off on the way. The arm was soon recaptured.

Near the edge of the town, the bright sunny day sunk into blackness. The sun still hung high in the sky, but the outskirts of the town were circled by a thick veil of black. The men stood at the edge, still holding the terrified, convulsing child. On the count of three, they threw him into the mist. The boy’s shouts ended with a grunt as he hit the ground. The people could hear whispers from beyond the curtain. The boy began to whimper as he realized what had happened, then shriek as he found his voice. The shrieks escalated to horrified screams. Suddenly, the screams were cut short. There was no further sound from within the blackness. The crowd stood in stunned silence. The only sound that could be heard was the soft weeping of Anna. In her trembling hands sat two tattered, torn bracelets.

Fin

“Our memories aren’t that reliable. What we remember is usually altered by our emotions and other thoughts at that time.” Adaire couldn’t remember where he heard it, but the quote glowed in his mind.

***

Red and gold streaked the sky as the darkness crept in. The sun’s last cry before night enveloped it. Below was a lone police station, trims, panes, walls, in every shade of grey imaginable. Inside was just as bland, but in whites. Stark white, cream white, snow white, seashell white, floors, walls, tables, chairs- it was nauseating for the little boy dangling his feet from his stool. They couldn’t quite reach the floor no matter how far he sat on the edge. He caught himself from falling off right when the constable walked in. The boy heard clicking footsteps behind the man and already knew who it was.

“Adaire! There you are!” A blonde woman with pearl earrings ran to the boy and hugged him.

She let Adaire go for a second and he tried to give her his happiest expression possible. Which wasn’t convincing enough for his adoptive mother. Faking expressions was not one of his greatest skills.

A moment later, a man in a pristine blue shirt and greying brown hair walked into the room. “Oh, dear boy, your mother and I were so worried.”

She’s not my mother the boy thought, but he couldn’t say it when both the man and woman looked so relieved and happy. It was probably the most expressive they’ve ever gotten around him.

What a nice change.

“Time to get you back home.” The man ruffled Adaire’s dark hair before thanking the constable.

They walked to their silver Buick Lacrosse, a car Adaire respected but did not love. He was much more interested in the horse carriages at the circus, and he was dying to know how they traveled. That was where he was earlier, the circus. It was the seventh time he snuck in since it arrived five days ago.

Adaire had heard things about a circus coming to town, but had no idea how caught up he would get in it. One day he was playing in the meadow with his little sister. The next day a great tent was already set up, with animals so large he couldn’t believe they could travel in anything.

Whatever they traveled in, he wanted to ride in it right now, not this Buick Lacrosse. Especially with his adoptive parents.

Adaire did not despise them or anything, but he did not particularly love them. He more or so respected them and wished them to be happy. Though Adaire was eleven, he knew why they had adopted him. They wanted their own baby, but couldn’t have one. So they decided to adopt— as simple as that. And he knew they regretted it. They just couldn’t love him the way they’d love their own child, and it was obvious even if they tried to make it not. They were kind people, but Adaire felt no emotional attachment in the last four years. He only felt pity for them to have to put up with him when they didn’t wish to. Not that he wanted to stay either.

He wanted to go back to the circus, where no one was the same, but they were all just as amazing. Adaire felt like he was in a different world within those gates, it was his escape. It was also easy to sneak in unnoticed being his size.

He heard wailing from upstairs once they reached their large home.

It was easy to go unnoticed at home as well since Daniella was born. Daniella meant miracle, something his adoptive mother told him two years ago. She also told him his name meant fortunate and powerful. It was what his real mother had named him.

He didn’t know if she was even alive, and he had never felt fortunate or powerful.

Adaire ran upstairs to the child of his adoptive parents, his “sister”. The only person he felt close to in that bloodline.

The nanny was trying to hush her, but stepped out of the room as soon as Adaire walked in. He went towards her crib and concentrated on her mind.

The deep green eyes so similar to his widened as he placed cheerful images in her mind. A rainbow, a horse, colours and toys and flowers. Talking clouds and bright afternoons with sparkling waters so blue it was hard not to get mesmerized by its rhythm.

Her sobs turned into shimmering laughter. Adaire smiled watching her. It was something he avoided doing because it was unfair and not normal, but for Daniella he would draw illusions from his mind. Only for her. He loved her and wished to always take care of her with beautiful, happy thoughts.

Though he knew he couldn’t. He knew he would not always be there for her, but didn’t know why or where he would be.

***

Every lightning made Adaire wonder how the circus was doing. He was stuck home all day, forbidden to go anywhere for his parent’s fear that he would get lost again. Though he hadn’t gotten lost in the first place. He knew exactly how to get back home, but his parents would not believe him. They wouldn’t even let him go to his neighbour’s house.

Daniella played with a broken watch while Adaire gazed at the rain from his living room window. He wasn’t allowed the one thing he wanted from his adoptive parents. He watched the clouds darken. It felt like they were shedding tears for him.

Adaire would not cry. He was much stronger than that, even the thunder never frightened him. Though he feared for the open tent, exposed to any spark of anger the sky would strike with.

He wasn’t angry. He would not spark anyone with anything because he knew how to be patient, he had a lot of practice Daniella.
Adaire pressed his forehead against the glass, feeling the cold blaze through his head to the rest of him. It was relaxing, even with the thunder and lightning. The musty smell however, threw all of that off.

He never liked the smell of rain, it made his head feel heavy. It also reminded him that he was trapped in this house while the circus performed for the last time that night. It would be gone by morning.

Perhaps he could sneak out at night, when everyone would be going to bed. His bedtime was at ten o’clock, but the circus didn’t close until three.

He looked at his sister rolling around on the carpet with the watch. He heard his parents setting the table for supper.

He could do it.

***

Adaire

There was another one! It was so close to the tent, I could see only the golden tent tip because it was down the hill, but the lightning bolt was so close to it! So close to destroying the best thing in the world.

I wished I was there, even if I got hit by lightning, at least I would see the last show before it was all destroyed.

Maybe I was taking it too far, but I didn’t care. I felt more at home there than I ever had here, even with Daniella.

I remembered I was supposed to watch her while my adoptive parents made supper. I looked away from the window to see her playing with a broken watch. Huh. Even with all the toys she had, she still chose weird objects over them. That was one of the things I liked about her though. Even if she was only two, she clearly wasn’t like her parents at all. Not that they were bad, just normal. So normal it was annoying.

They also wouldn’t let me out of their sight, scared that I might leave and get “lost” again. I never got lost in the first place, I was exploring and knew exactly how to get back home. They thought an eleven year old couldn’t figure his way through a meadow that has a path going right through their neighbourhood. Even Daniella could figure that out.

I should’ve taken a watch yesterday so I would’ve gotten back on time– before they noticed I wasn’t playing in the neighbourhood. Oh well. It didn’t matter anymore.

The sky was crying outside, but I wasn’t going to. I was strong and brave, and patient. That’s why I wasn’t exactly mad at my adoptive parents, I knew they were just worried.

I heard louder thunder and knew the sky was getting angry. I hoped the circus was okay.

I pressed my forehead against the glass and the cold from it moved through my spine, but it was somehow a good feeling. I felt peaceful when I closed my eyes and just felt everything around me.

The smell ruined it. The musty smell of rain made my head feel weird and heavy. Plus it reminded me why I was sitting by the window watching the tip of a tent. Missing the last shows, the delicious treats, the sounds and colours before it all disappeared tomorrow morning.

Maybe I could see it one last time…if I snuck out when everyone was in bed. Who knew when the circus would return to this town, if it ever came again. Bedtime was at ten o’clock and the tent closed at three. I wouldn’t talk to strangers or be found by the police, and I knew the way there and home even in the dark.

Daniella was rolling around on the carpet with that broken watch and I could hear her mom and dad setting the table.

I could do it.

***

Linda

“He understands more than we give him credit for.” John said as he placed the plates.

I kept my focus on the pot of chili I was bringing to the table.
“Linda?”

“Yes, I know, I know.” I hated this topic. John knew I hated it, yet he brought it up. Again. “I don’t know what else to do. You know we adopted thinking he could be a part of us and we would have no trouble having him.”

“Perhaps if we adopted a baby instead of a seven-year-old we would never have noticed the difference.”

“You were the one who insisted we skip the baby stage because it’s the most troublesome. I knew it was a mistake while we were making it.”

“And still you went along with it.”

“I–”

“You called him a mistake.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know.”

He wasn’t a mistake. He was a lovely boy, quiet, intelligent and thoughtful. I did love him, and I knew John did as well, but we just couldn’t connect with him. He could never connect with us either, no matter how much we tried. He was too old for his age and never very expressive. We could still tell he didn’t like being with us, though he tried to pretend he did. Too old for his age.

Maybe we were so detached not because he was our adopted son, but because he was him and we were us. We didn’t belong together. I hoped to find a way to help him.
For now, all I could do was call him for dinner.

***

Adaire

Under the covers I waited, listening as my door closed. I heard footsteps go towards Daniella’s room, then out in a few minutes. She never took time falling asleep. They were going towards their own bedroom now.

I came out of the covers to watch the light under the door. It dimmed when their door closed, then went out.

A few more minutes just be safe.

It felt like forever, but the clock said it was only eleven minutes after ten. I could wait five more minutes.

As soon as the four on the digital clock turned to five, I quietly hopped out of bed, already dressed and needing only a coat. I made sure to arrange the pillows in a way to look like someone was under the blanket I put on top, just in case anyone came in to check. I was about to leave when I remembered the pocket watch at the bottom of my sock drawer. It was gold, dirtied from generations of use, with a symbol engraved on the cover. The symbol was a circle inside of another circle, a wavy line horizontally across them both. The top half of the big circle and the bottom half of the little circle were silver parts. On either side of the circle were two hands, floating as if they were holding the circle up with invisible strings. The thing I liked most though was the back, a clear back revealing every silver and gold gear, every mechanism working. I could get mesmerized just watching it.

It was the only thing I had from my family, and I didn’t know who it belonged to. Aunt Martha at the orphanage only told me the circle was a “mind’s eye” but she did not say anything more while giving it and me away to this family.

I put the watch in my pocket, making sure its chain didn’t stick out, and quietly slipped out of my room. I could hear Daniella tossing, and decided to put in happy thoughts of a family picnic into her dreams. She was still again, sleeping peacefully.

My heavy socks helped quiet my footsteps as I went down the stairs, but after a few steps I went back up to her parents’ room. They were quiet, but I decided to put in the same happy family picnic dream into their heads as well. It might keep them asleep, and I knew they were sad I pretended not to notice them kissing my forehead goodnight earlier. Though it was a long time since they’ve done that.

I had figured getting my coat from the coat rack would be a mission, which was why I put it in the bottom of the closet after supper without anyone noticing.

I felt like a secret agent.

Opening the front door made the entire house shake. I froze, wondering if I should hide or leave as fast as I could.

The silence told me I was the only one who heard it, so I went out and softly closed the door behind me.

Then I ran.

***

John

I hadn’t realized the extent of how upset he was until that night, seeing him already quietly tucked in his bed. Of course, he always tucked himself in quietly before I or Linda could, but that night it was different. He felt more distant than ever before.

I kissed his forehead for the first time in a while and said goodnight. He said it back, though it felt like he hadn’t actually acknowledged me. Must’ve been still thinking about that carnival in the meadow. I didn’t understand the hype of a circus, all it was was a traveling show.

Linda came in and brought the blanket up perhaps a millimeter more. She also kissed his forehead, but again I wasn’t sure if he even noticed.

Maybe I should’ve gone the last day, with Adaire and the family before it left. Well the weather wasn’t favourable all day.

Before closing the door I looked at Adaire once more. I really did wish for us to connect, but as Linda believed, it really wasn’t possible. No matter how lovely he was, I just couldn’t foresee it.

I followed Linda to Daniella’s room to find our daughter already asleep. She was only two but preferred to sleep in her own room than with us. Perhaps it was us children liked to be away from. Then again, she wasn’t completely detached like Adaire either. At least not yet.

“It’s been a long and tedious day, let’s go to bed.” Linda broke me away from my thoughts. She must’ve known what I was thinking about, she usually did.

It never took Linda long to fall asleep either, something Daniella must’ve inherited from her. My sleep, on the other hand, took its valuable time to come.

Less than twenty minutes later, I found myself dozing off thinking about family picnics. I think we were in a forest near a waterfall, Daniella , Linda and I. There was a boy with us, but I couldn’t recognize him. Regardless, we were all cheerful, laughing as we played around.

I woke up to a mild quiver. Must’ve just been the jolting of waking up from a dream.

I tried to focus on the clock which read 10:22 in red numbers. I had a whole dream within a couple minutes? That was odd, but so were dreams.

The dream! I played it back as best as I could, which wasn’t good at all. The most fuzzy part was the boy, whose face I couldn’t decipher.  It must’ve been Adaire. Who else could it be?

It didn’t seem like Adaire though, it just didn’t have his aura. Not that I believed in auras, it just didn’t feel like him to me. At least not the him I had ever seen.

Four hours later, I was still staring at the ceiling trying to figure out who it was. I had no idea why it even bothered me so much.

I had to go to his room. Maybe if I saw him I could prove to myself that it was him in my dream. I didn’t know what I would get out of this, but I just had to do it. Maybe then I could get some sleep.

I crept out of our room and made sure Linda was still asleep before closing the door. She moved a bit and asked me where I was going half asleep.

Of course she knew I left, she always did. I told her I was going to the washroom and slipped out.

I opened Adaire’s door to find him fully buried in the covers. He must have been getting hot under there by now. In the moonlit room, I pulled the blanket of his head to give him some air and for me to see his face and justify that ridiculous dream.

I found pillows.

***

Adaire

It was even more magical than ever before.

I thought I would get tired of this circus if I went too many times, but each time was better than the last. Each time, I discovered something I missed, something new and amazing. The tent was so big there were different shows running everywhere at the same time! There were rooms and tents inside of the gigantic tent.

I never saw the circus at night before, but I imagined how it might look. My imagination really sucked compared to this.

I was standing on top of the hill, taking everything in. In the day, the tent was striped with dark blue and even darker blue, but at night it looked like one colour of the dark sky. There were thousands of bluish-white lights embedded on the outside of the whole tent, like stars. They must’ve been turning on and off because they looked they they were glittering. From far away the tent might’ve looked like it was a part of the sky, but with stars that disappear and appear again and again. The tip looked like solid gold. Too bad I lived behind the hill and couldn’t see the whole thing.

I started walking towards the tent and was hit by the intoxicating smell. Lovely smells, caramel, vanilla, lavender, fresh bread, honey, hints of lemon, popcorn, cinnamon, and spices I couldn’t recognise. The smells seemed stronger at night, carrying me to the entrance.

The air was cool and the ground was mysteriously dry after the storm we had all day. It made no sense, but I didn’t mind not having wet, muddy shoes.

I pushed through the secret opening in the fabric that made up the doorway and felt like I was in another world again. The outside was empty, the only sounds I could hear were crickets and the soft rustle of leaves in the breeze, while inside there were clusters of people in every spot, laughing, talking, singing. I did not understand why I hadn’t heard them through the fabric.

The outside of the tent was a night sky and the inside was a blazing fire, with strings of golden lights hanging above and jars of candles placed on any surface available. I stepped closer towards a jar to find it was actually a fake candle that flickered. I guessed it was safer that way.

I couldn’t decide where to go first, something I wanted to see again or look for something new?

I squeezed past a crowd watching the blue haired knife throwing woman. I’ve seen this act three times, and each time I was just as scared of something going wrong. Each time I was amazed at how close her blade came to the assistants, but passing them into the wooden board behind.

I smelled those delicious scents, and knew I had to eat something first. I headed towards the line for the chocolatier who made works of edible art in minutes. I didn’t have any money with me, but he knew me from all of the times I’ve been there and started giving me free treats the third time I went to his booth. Neither of us spoke a word as he made me another surprise. I watched him carve a lump of chocolate with a cracker stick in it. I couldn’t see what it was as he dipped it into a bowl of liquid white chocolate and then a bowl of something else. He poked a hole somewhere and put in a string of candy that hung out. He handed the chocolate lollipop to me and I couldn’t help gaping.

The chocolate lollipop was in the shape of a closed pocket watch, with sparkling dust all over it. The string of candy was the chain. I thanked the chocolatier and he nodded with a smile.

I walked around licking the sweet sparkle off of the chocolate. There were tightrope walkers above me, I watched them with my head tilted back as I took a bite out of my treat. There was a layer of almond chocolate surrounding the warm caramel inside. It all melted in my mouth. Except the almond bits, those were crunchy. I felt bad for eating something so amazing, so I tried to slow down…tried.

I walked past a fire breathing trick rider, who had an awesome black horse I wanted to ride, to an opening I didn’t remember seeing before. There were never signs, or anything with words in this circus, even on the tickets (never bought any but I had found an used one on the ground) so I had no idea what was in there and if I had seen it before.

I stepped inside to be enveloped by darkness. I thought maybe it was a storage or change room until three spot lights came on. They swivelled around the room before focusing on a long red piece of silk draped from the high ceiling to the floor in a big pile. Then I saw something move, a person, hanging onto the fabric with twists of it around their legs, upside down. I almost didn’t notice people coming into the room behind me as I watched this woman in black bend and spin in the air, almost falling at times to make everyone gasp but gracefully catching herself. I couldn’t see her face because of her long black hair which blended in with the blackness inside of the room, but I felt like she was watching me between her tricks. I didn’t know why, but she seemed sad or scared. Maybe both.

“An aerial silk artist” I heard someone whisper. Following the others, I sat down and watched the aerial silk artist dance above.

***

After laughing at cute puppies doing tricks inside of floating clear balls (I was sure there were strings holding them up) I remembered I had snuck out and needed to get back if I didn’t want to get caught. I dug through my pocket in search of my pocket watch.

It wasn’t there. I checked all of my pockets, pants, coat, back, front, and it wasn’t anywhere! I must’ve dropped it somewhere.

I tried retracing my steps, which was extremely challenging because I went everywhere I possibly could in who knew what order.
Past the unicyclist, the fire dancer, the sword eater, the acrobats, the jester, the plate spinners, the contortionist, the young lion tamer. I went into every show spot, every room with my eyes searching the floor, ignoring the people around me.

I wandered into my fourth dark room that night, and was about to get out when I heard footsteps. Someone with a lantern was coming towards me. It was a woman with dark hair and wrinkles near her eyes that looked deeper with the light in her hand. When she came closer I could see she had light eyes and was smiling. She held something out in her other hand– it was a pocketwatch!

I looked at her again before slowly taking it. It was mine, engraved with the mind’s eye, back clear and everything. I thanked her and she nodded with a smile.

When I was walking out I thought I heard a “you’re welcome honey” but didn’t see the lady behind me anymore. Weird.

Putting my watch safely in my pocket, I looked around. No one was there. Not a single audience member, performer, ticket seller, store owner, nothing! It was as just as quiet as the last dark room I was in.

I realized I put my pocket watch away without checking the time, so I brought it out again. 3:05. Oh no the circus was closed!

Panicked, I ran to my secret exit, scared it was closed and I wouldn’t be able to get out. What if they found me and asked to show my ticket?

No, I would be brave and say my parents had it. They couldn’t do anything then. Except take me to my parents who didn’t even know where I was. Shoot!

Everything looked so different without any people and booths that I wasn’t sure where the opening in the fabric was. I started feeling around the tent to where I thought it was until finally my hand went through a section. Grateful I found it, I tried going through, but the slit started where my waste was. Thinking maybe they closed it a part of it, I took a few steps back and ran to jump through.

***

I made it through. But instead of landing on soft grass, my body hurt from falling onto a hard floor. I sat up and felt the shoulder I landed on. Ouch.

I looked around but couldn’t see a single thing. It was as dark as that room, but not as quiet because of the crickets. So I must’ve been kind of outside. It didn’t smell like outside…more like a basement but not a smelly one, just a regular basement. I wished I had a lantern.

Still thinking about that lady with the lantern, I picked myself up and felt my way around with my arms out. I felt like I knew her– ouch!
I bumped into something cubed and fell. My knees and my bottom hurt even more than the rest of me, but I pushed myself up again. I only stood up for a second when the ground moved and I fell again. This time my head hit a wall.

The pain seared through my head,  making me dizzy. I knew I had to find out where I was but instead of standing up right away, I stayed lying down with my eyes closed.

I heard something closing and opened my eyes to see a bit of light from somewhere. I got up right away but everything spun and I fell over again. I bit my tongue by accident and tasted something metallic. I was sure it was blood.

I thought I saw something come down on one end, like a cover on a rectangular opening. I was inside a rectangle.

I wanted to close my eyes and sleep but I knew I had to get up and find out where I was. I put my hands on the ground and felt the floor. It was slightly brittley, a floor that would hold things in place. If it didn’t move.

I turned over and started crawling, slowly, feeling around with my hands every few seconds to make sure nothing was in front of me. I felt rough wooden boxes, maybe crates, spread around randomly. There were two walls really close on either side of me, but the other two walls were further away from each other. There were four walls, four corners.

I was in a box. Boxes in a box, and me with those boxes in a box.

Feeling a corner, I decided to sit there. Thank goodness I did, because the box I was inside moved again. I heard the roar of an engine.
I figured out where I was. I was in a trailer. A circus trailer that was going to another town, or maybe to a big ship to another country. And I was going with it.

Anyone else might have banged on the walls, yelling to be let out so they could go back home…but I couldn’t make myself do that. As crazy as it was, I wanted to see where I could go rather than stay in that boring, old town. Daniella was happy anyway, and so were her parents, so why not? They all had what they wanted, I was only covering space.

I dreamed about the places I would go, the things I would see, and somehow I fell asleep to the gentle bumpy ride.

***

I didn’t open my eyes when I heard birds chirping or people talking. I didn’t open them until I heard the ‘whoosh’ of the trailer back going down, and the sudden cool breeze chilled me fully awake. I hid behind the boxes in the corner as sunlight poured in. Even though it didn’t hit my eyes, I had to squint from the sudden light after being in complete darkness for so long. I listened to two men argue.

“This trailer’s near empty, ye think we couldn’t have put some o’ the cotton candy machines in here?” He had a nasally voice and a southern accent, like Wes, the convenient store owner across the street who bragged about being from Louisville, Kentucky.

“They fit in the trailer with other food related machines, so it wasn’t necessary.” This man’s voice was interesting, it was soft but rough. I had to sneak a peak from the boxes to see who it was.

I saw the back of the southern man as he started talking about how everything was packed in that trailer, while the man with the interesting voice was facing my way. He was tall and looked very strong. His blonde hair looked like it was tied up in the back, and his eyes were like black holes. He was wearing normal clothes, a jacket and jeans, and did not look like a circus member. Neither did the other guy with his cowboy hat. Then I noticed that it was snowing. Big, soft, magical flakes floating to the bare trees.

I quickly pulled my head back when the blonde man’s eyes moved towards the trailer, afraid he saw me.

“Fine. Next time you keep track of the items in the trailers, and maybe then you’ll understand how cautious you have to be about space. And starting all over again when you run out of it.” If the man saw me, he didn’t mention it. I hoped he hadn’t seen me.
I heard them leave, mumbling about the lock on the baby elephant cage on the other side of the field. They left the door open.

As soon as I was sure they were gone, I peaked out from behind the boxes again. I walked fast and quietly to the trailer door and felt how chilly it was as I stopped and listened. The only sounds were birds, running water, and the wind lightly running through branches. No human sounds.

Hoping it was safe, I put my head out and saw nothing but trees. I tried to quickly jump out but the trailer was higher than I expected and I fell to the ground. Luckily it was soft soil.

I was in a forest. The circus was in a forest. But why?

Feeling exposed, I ran behind a tree and took in everything around me. There were other trailers, scattered in front of the one I was in. There were also buses, probably where the performers slept. They all must’ve gone through the path, a big space between the trees. There were so many different trees, most so tall that I couldn’t tell which way we came through or where the path lead.

The forest was really pretty, even though there were no leaves. It looked enchanted with the fluffy snow starting to settle down. I went hiking last summer with John, but the forest looked much different then, still pretty, but much greener.

I felt like an adventurer, and decided to explore. I saw squirrels running around, but they never came near me. The birds that I heard were nowhere in sight, and I tried very hard to find them even when my eyes hurt from looking up at the bright clouded sky. I zipped up my coat to my chin when the breeze grew stronger and almost stepped into a stream. It was a tiny, shallow stream, I could see all of the stones in it. My feet wouldn’t have gotten wet if I walked through it, but I hopped along the higher rocks to the other side.

I kept on walking, without an idea about where I was going or if I would get lost, but who cared! I was having fun, exploring a far mysterious forest after secretly riding a circus trailer! I grabbed a branch from the ground and pretended it was my sword. I was a warrior trekking through the Winter Forest, searching for the magical place I belonged in.

I struck a tree when I heard laughing from a distance. I looked towards the direction it came from and saw smoke rising. There must’ve be people there– maybe the circus people!

I ran towards the smoke, dodging trees and jumping over roots. I was completing a quest.

It wasn’t long before I saw them. I hid behind a tree and watched. They were circus performers. But they looked normal, wearing coats and scarves, and no colourful makeup. I could tell they were from the circus because many of them were practicing their tricks, out here in a clearing in a random cold and snowy forest.

I was amazed by how spectacular and graceful they were even when they looked like any other person. Even the ones who were just sitting, drinking something hot from their cups and chatting looked amazing. I could feel the warmth of the huge bonfire in the middle. There were blue and white tents of all sizes scattered around.

I wanted to be like them. So bad. Doing flips and twirling fire, or even just laughing and chatting while drinking hot chocolate while it snowed.

I knew I should’ve stayed hidden, but instead I went closer. I went right up to the ones who were practicing, first to a group of acrobats. There was a man standing on the shoulders of another man and woman as he held up a woman who was doing a handstand on his hands. The woman did a triple flip to the ground and the man did a double flip the other way as the couple in the bottom cartwheeled and jumped to do a twirl in the air. They went in four directions and all landed on one knee with their arms in the air at the same time. It was perfect. I wondered why they practiced if they were perfect, if they ever even made mistakes.

It looked like they didn’t notice me even though I was right there. I was walking away when I noticed something like a shadow behind a tree.

I thought it was a deer or something, but it seemed too tall. Then I thought it was a human, but it disappeared too fast to be sure. I might’ve just seen wrong, and I was excited to see another perfect rehearsal so I moved on towards a guy with a huge silver white snake.

***

Adaire thought it very odd that the circus members did not acknowledge him as an outsider. They didn’t seem to think him an insider either, but acted like it was rather normal for a young boy to walk around and watch them rehearse in the middle of a cold desolate forest.

Adaire didn’t mind the not noticing at all.

He wandered around the performers and ate a sandwich a man was offering to everyone. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was and had devoured the egg sandwich within a few minutes, so the man offered him another one.While eating his second sandwich, much slower this time, he walked into a dark blue tent, worried something might happen, but too curious to walk away.

The tent seemed big enough from the outside to be a nice bedroom, and Adaire was surprised to find it to be a study. There were shelves and shelves of books. He wondered who was willing to set all of this up and take it down everytime the circus moved. It was surprisingly dark as well, compared to the light filtering through bright white clouds outside. There were lamps illuminating parts of the study, including the desk that had a shadow bent over.

Adaire went closer to the shadow, seeing it was a man frantically flipping through a pile of thick books. Adaire found an armchair and hid behind it, watching what the man was doing. He was tall and was wearing a long dark coat over his broad shoulders. He had thick wavy hair that was ruffled into what Daniella’s mother would call a birdsnest. Finishing a book, he ruffled his hair with an exasperated sigh before going through another book on his desk. There was a chair beside him, but he chose not to sit as if he was in a rush to find whatever he was looking for. Adaire was able to angle himself enough to see the side of the man’s face without being exposed.

The lamp on his desk illuminated the wrinkles near his eyes and the side of his mouth. He had a strong jawline, something Daniella’s dad admired about himself. Adaire watched him lean forward looking closer into the book.

Something about him seemed so familiar but Adaire wasn’t sure what or why.

His dangerous curiosity urged him to move closer, even if it meant leaving his hiding spot. Quietly, he took a couple steps forward to suddenly remember the man with a blonde ponytail near the truck. It may be the way they carried themselves, but they seemed alike in an odd way even though they seemed so different starting from their hair to the way they dressed.

Adaire forgot he wasn’t supposed to be noticed when the man turned his head towards him. His ice blue eyes saw right through Adaire.

Adaire froze by their intensity.

***

“Come here, boy.”

Adaire was still frozen. This man’s voice was very much like the blonde ponytail man’s voice but a bit deeper.

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.” The man’s sharp features softened. His eyes seemed to cool down a bit, becoming less cold as he held out his hand for the boy to come.

Adaire felt surprisingly comforted by his eyes when his wrinkles were pointing up. The man wasn’t actually smiling, though Adaire felt he was. The hand he held out though looked like Adaire was supposed to place something in it, but not his own hand.

“Can I see that watch you have.” His voice was just above a whisper as he sat down.

He knew about Adaire’s pocket watch. What other watch could he possibly mean? That woman in the dark tent must’ve said something– they knew him. Maybe the whole circus did and that was why they weren’t surprised by him being around. What did they think of him? The so-important-pocket-watch-boy? Nothing made sense.

Adaire knew he shouldn’t give anything to this stranger especially his beloved pocket watch, but something about the man made him want to. Something about his clear eyes he could trust.

“I will give it back, trust me.” He said when Adaire didn’t move. “My name is Abrafo, what is yours?”

“Adaire.” He said in his strongest voice as he pulled out the watch from his pocket and placed it in the man’s hand. He sounded much more sure of himself than he actually was.

“It’s beautiful.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, it appears to be very beautiful.” He was smiling with his eyes.

“No, how do you know I have this watch.”

“A little birdy told me.” He chuckled.

“It was that woman.”

“If by that woman you mean the aerial silk artist and my wife, then yes.”

The woman with the lantern was the aerial silk artist. No wonder she felt so familiar. Adaire felt stupid for not realizing who she was right away.

“She knew I’d be here?” Adaire could not understand anything. Was the trailer ride all planned?

“Not exactly.” Abrafo paused before continuing. “Dibby, the fortuneteller in the circus said there would be a boy with a pocketwatch joining the us.”

At first Adaire was shocked to hear they expected him to join the circus. After a few seconds he realized he was expecting that to happen as well, so why not the fortuneteller? She was an old dark woman with brilliant silver hair, and was so good with telling things about you she shouldn’t know that it was hard not to believe her future predictions. She didn’t use cards or a crystal ball, but just sat at a small round table as she observed Adaire and spoke about finding something.

“You must be shocked, I bet, but I can show you everything.” Abrafo spoke when Adaire became quiet. “You will decide what you want to do, the future changes upon decisions, you know.”

No, Adaire was not shocked. He remembered Dibby saying those exact words, about how the future can change. “Why is my pocket watch important?”

“You see, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.” He waved at the pile of books on his desk. “It’s what I’ve been trying to figure out since she told me her prediction.”

“Oh,” Adaire still didn’t understand but he wanted to help Abrafo so he told him what he knew. “It belonged to a family member. The circle is called a mind’s eye.”

“Who did it belong to?”

“I don’t know.”

The man leaned in wanting to ask more but then suddenly looked disappointed as he sat back on his chair. “Do you know anything else?” He questioned a moment later

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about, dear.” The man stood up and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Let me show you around and make some introductions before you decide on anything.”

“I want to be in the circus.”

Abrafo smiled, an excited warming smile that wasn’t sarcastic at all. “Dibby told me you were very set on this. I still think you should see around, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Adaire smiled back shyly, his first genuine smile in a long time. “Yes, please.”

***

Adaire felt surprisingly comfortable with Abrafo, surprisingly comfortable being told they knew he was going to join the circus. Surprisingly comfortable to forget about his adopted family, about little Daniella. He felt bad for thinking this way about the family he left behind, but at the same time he felt like this was where he was supposed to be. The orphanage sent him to the wrong home.

They went through an opening in the tent between the shelves that connected to a larger tent. It was a grand tent with bright white walls and a high top. Adaire didn’t remember seeing a tent this big outside, but maybe it just appeared smaller there. Or perhaps they just set it up.

Adaire assumed the entire circus had come in this tent– it was crawling with people. They were doing the same thing they had been doing outside, drinking, laughing, performing. There were ropes, rings and ribbons hanging from the ceiling, small platforms and circles all over the white floor. Everything was lively and loud, such a contrast from the connected tent next door.

As soon as they started to notice Adaire and Abrafo entering, few by few they stopped what they were doing and came closer. Adaire recognized many faces, but one stood out the most, the woman with the lantern. Adaire noticed her coming down the silk in the tent, and wondered how he couldn’t put two and two together. Of course she was the aerial silk artist! He walked into the same dark room twice, he was sure. She smiled at Adaire and walked right up to them as Abrafo put his arm around her shoulders. Her eyes were blue, a deep ocean blue, and her smile was so soft and genuine Adaire felt like he knew her his entire life.

Everyone was huddled around them, speculating Adaire with fascination the way he had with them.

Abrafo cleared his throat and everyone stopped whispering. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am excited to introduce a new potential member of our family, Adaire!”

They approached him with a smile and started to say things like “welcome Adaire,” “I’m so happy you could join us,” and “I knew you were special!” Adaire couldn’t understand why they were so glad, but the positive air lifted him, making him feel like he was a part of the family all along.

“Shhh…quiet now, we don’t want to overwhelm him.” Abrafo seemed to have a lot of control, easily hushing the buzzing crowd. They went back to their semi circle form around Adaire, Abrafo and the aerial silk artist.

One girl walked out of the crowd, making Adaire gasp. She was the same size as him, with the same dark hair though it was longer, her features so similar and her eyes the exact same intense green. She looked like Adaire’s sister, even his twin.

“Hi Adaire, I’m Cressida. Can I see your talent?” She said in a chirping, friendly voice.

Adaire just stared at her.

“You know, something special about you. We all have something special, that’s why the circus chose us.”

“The circus chose..?” Adaire didn’t understand. How could a circus choose?

“I know, it’s weird, but none of us chose to be in the circus. It came to us, each one of us in a different way. And now it’s come to you!”
Adaire didn’t know what his talent was. He couldn’t do anything, at least nothing he could perform.

“You see Adaire,” the aerial silk artist spoke in a voice as sweet as her eyes, “we don’t mean to pressure you, but every one of us have a special gift, a reason we were chosen. Don’t worry if you haven’t discovered it or don’t wish to share yet, you have all the time you need.”

Adaire looked around. No one seemed as excited as they were a few seconds ago.

“My name is Kaylene by the way, I don’t believe we have formally met yet.” She gave him wink and a great smile, one that made Adaire even more disappointed in himself.

Why would the circus choose him? What could he possibly do like the others? He couldn’t even do a somersault. He felt lost, when a minute ago he felt at home. Everyone was so quiet, he felt like he disappointed them as well. He desperately wanted to be a part of them, but the circus chose the wrong person this time.

“Great talent does not appear right away, that is what makes it so great.” Abrafo said. “Come, let us show Adaire around and meet everyone.” They started to move.

“I can make you see.” Adaire mumbled abruptly.

“What is that, dear?”

This time he spoke loud and clear. “I can make you see. That’s my talent.”

“Boy, we can already see by ourselves.” A man with red hair bright against his dark skin spoke. He didn’t sound rude, but disbelieving as he put on the purple top hat in his hands.

“Barnett, let him continue,” Abrafo looked back at Adaire. “Go on, boy.”

“Close your eyes,” Adaire sounded much more confident than he felt, “everyone, close your eyes.”

They all did as he said. He had no idea what he was doing, he never tried this on so many people. It wasn’t even a performable talent, if it was a talent at all.

“Now watch.” He placed images in their minds. Images of flying winged-teacups in a land of giant flowers made up of colourful fire. There were talking golf balls, walking cookies and balloons that turned into butterflies. A land full of sunlight and bubbles, cheerful and funny. Then the wind blew and everything blew with it. The bright blue sky turned darker and the ground started rocking. The flowers fell in flames and the odd characters started to crumble into liquid. They were all on a large raft, on a moonlit ocean. The wind died to a warm breeze and the sounds of the waves merged with the salty smell. One of the little boys went to the edge and touched the water.

“Oh my gosh, it feels like real cold water!”

Everyone gasped and tried to feel the water. “Oh my Apollo, you’re right!” Someone exclaimed.

Adaire smiled, happy with their reaction to his work. Then he heard a shriek behind him.

“It’s Cressida, she’s fallen in!” Someone exclaimed.

Adaire found her drowning in the dark waters as Abrafo jumped in to save her. He immediately stopped the vision.

Everyone was standing the same way they were before the vision. They had their eyes open and just stared at him. Then the man in the top hat, Barnett, started to clap.

Everyone was in full applause, whistling and screaming.

Adaire couldn’t help smiling despite Cressida’s illusionary incident a moment ago.

“Adaire.” Abrafo paused. “You have something. Something none of could ever imagine exists.”

“Every sense felt was stronger than reality!”  Barnett cried.

A woman with long brown hair walked out of the crowd. “Call me Aunt Keondra, you are a part of this family.” She bent down to Adaire’s height. “If you wish to join us.”

Adaire could only nod at first. “Y-yes. Yes, please.”

Barnett clapped his hands once. “Then it’s official!”

With that everyone cheered for Adaire, hugging him, patting his back and enthusiastically introducing themselves. Adaire felt overwhelmed with excitement.

Then from the corner of his eye he saw something. Something dark and not right. Adaire turned his head to find nothing but the white walls of the tent. He had felt this before, when he  was perhaps four and tried to put visions of all the children sleeping into Aunt Martha’s head so they could play longer. It frightened him, and he never used his ability to trick anyone again.

Now it was back. Or maybe he just imagined it, like the shadow outside.

“Are you okay, hun?” Kaylene placed her hand on his shoulder.

Adaire looked at the crowd and was was too content to worry, and he knew he only imagined whatever it was. “I’m fine, better than fine!”

Kaylene laughed. “Let’s show you your new room now!”

***

He was The Visionaire Master. The audience thought there was a mad genius behind the show. One who had discovered a way to enter the lobes of the brain, hundreds of brains, without a single wire. The circus knew it was something different, but never did they question him about it. Many of them had something special of their own. The way Aunt Keondra could pull anything out of her hat, something significant to the person she was addressing. It took nearly three months for Adaire to let her pull something out for him. When she did it was a plain silver pocket watch with a picture of cottage engraved in the place of a clock. Adaire was sure she knew about his pocket watch from Kaylene, and maybe she knew he was once looking for a home. Though it was unreasonable to not believe she had a gift, when he had such a powerful one. The chocolatier couldn’t have known about his watch either, that was before Kaylene had found it. He must’ve had something special as well.

He ran to Cressida’s room when Keondra told him he could keep it. He wanted Cressida to turn it into pure gold. He had seen her do it a million times, but it still amazed him to watch the gold seep through objects, enveloping it whole.

Cressida was not in her tent quarters so Adaire headed back to his own. They were in some city in Japan, Adaire couldn’t recall names of the places they went to anymore. Not that it mattered, since the inside always looked the same. He went through Abrafo’s study to tell him and Kaylene about Keondra’s hat. They were more like his parents than John and Linda ever were. An odd set of parents, the jester and aerial silk artist. Adaire had almost forgotten about John and Linda. He had a hard time remembering many things.

Past the study was his room, only a flap in the fabric indicating another compartment. On his desk he placed his new pocket watch near the other one. The setup crew did a phenomenal job making sure everything remained in the same spot no matter where they went. Adaire suspected they had a special talent too.

“Boo!” Appolo and Cressida were on his bed, failing to scare him.

“I heard you come in.” Adaire said turning around.

“No you didn’t.” Appolo argued, blowing his white hair out of his purple eyes.

“Yes I did.”

“No you-”

“Okay stop, we only have an hour before opening!” Cressida was usually very patient, except when it involved a story. “I want to know what you do on Halloween, we still haven’t gone through that one yet.”

“It’s really not that interesting Cres.” Adaire did not understand why the children were excited by envisioning his previous life. He prefered not to think about it, but they always wanted him to give them the illusions, to see how it was like to live on the “outside.” All of the children were born in the circus or adopted very young, so it made sense, but sometimes the adults would want him to give them visions of the outside world as well. Adaire thought it was odd– they went outside themselves, but his boring real-world illusions excited them.

“Please? Just really quickly!”

“Okay, close your eyes.” For the past month Adaire felt on edge when he intruded minds, but it wasn’t too bad…

After that night’s show, Adaire decided to visit the animals before going to bed. His bedtime had changed drastically due to late night shows, so time didn’t matter.

“You did a perfect job again!” Barnett was behind him in his top hat, happy as any ringmaster who had had a great show.”

“Thank you sir.”

“Hahaha goodnight boy!” Adaire didn’t understand him most times, but he was a typical high achieving boss, always wanting everything to be perfect.

Adaire reached the cages to find Apollo and his parents leaving. Apollo was only a few years older than him, but could already tame a lion without supervision. Like an older brother, he tried teaching his skills to Adaire‒ unsuccessfully so far. Adaire bid them goodnight before walking to the elephants.

The animals were always sad. Which was why Adaire visited them so often, leaving them with images he thought they may like. Running through open land in Africa, hanging off of trees in the Amazon, or climbing mountain slopes in Nepal. He knew they were trapped, but he was told they were essential for a great show. Just like the other performers were, though Adaire was sure they could get out if they wished. He had not idea why they would want to, but some of the circus members really did appear like they were trapped with no way out. It made no sense.

He left the animals and almost walked into Kaylene.

“You haven’t eaten supper.” She held out bowl of pasta salad. She always took care of everyone.

“Thank you.” Adaire loved her for how strong and caring she was, but knew she was always upset about something. She kissed his forehead before sending him to his room.

Adaire had thought everyone would be happy in the circus, and at times they were, but something always seemed wrong. Like they were hiding something from him.

***

Cressida was gone. Adaire woke up to everyone searching around, assuming she was in some corner reading or something since she never left the tent without someone. Adaire tried to look everywhere himself, wondering if someone had taken her or if she ran away from home like he once did. Why would she leave a place like this?

Then again, she’s always talked about the outside world the way he did about the circus months ago. She lived through Adaire’s stories with awe.

Maybe it was his fault she ran away. No, she wouldn’t run away. Adaire went to her performing tent, his mind feeling foggier than it ever had felt before. His thoughts were clouded and he wasn’t fully aware of what was around him. This had been happening a few weeks after his first performance, but it seemed to come more often and more intense with time. Adaire figured it must’ve been because of the change in his sleeping patterns and was taking longer than usual to cure.

He saw a shadow and thought it might be Cressida. It wasn’t her, and Adaire knew it wouldn’t be. On occasion he still saw shadows almost like silhouettes, but were only shadows inside of the tent. Whatever it was, it still made Adaire on edge even though he was sure it was nothing. He pulled out his old pocket watch to see it was twelve o’clock.

“She’s not in here Adaire, we’ve checked.”

Adaire turned around to see the contortionist behind him, her dark purple hair framing her face.

“Dextra…do you think…”

“I don’t know Adaire, I can’t imagine Cressie doing such a thing. She may not have a real family, but we were more real than anything. I can’t imagine her leaving us.” Cressida was here since she was a baby. She could not have left her one and only home. “Let’s get you some brunch honey.”

For a moment Dextra appeared fuzzy and Adaire couldn’t tell if she was actually there or not. Perhaps he was imagining the conversation. No, she was real and Adaire knew he was only getting sick with worry. And guilt.

They left Cressie’s performing tent to eat. Someone may have tried to take the sad memories of Cressida away because that was the last time Adaire saw that tent.

***

A few weeks later, Apollo went missing. Not just Apollo, but his entire family. Their tent disappeared the same way. Adaire couldn’t find their animals, the lion, the puppies, the elephants. Were they put down? Set free? Adaire hoped they were set free. He tried thinking of where they could be hidden, but thinking had gotten more and more difficult. He noticed his mind was foggy most of the time, but he could only tell it was foggy when it cleared up. He usually couldn’t remember who he spoke to.

The show still went on.

Adaire always hated acting happy when he was not, but he had to for his performance. Kaylene and Abrafo were always trying to keep him content, taking hikes and going to the movies when they were in town. He had to act happy for them as well. It was exhausting.

That night after one of his shows, three boys stayed in his tent while the rest of the audience left. Adaire noticed them goofing around during his illusions, disrespectful even if they were a year or two older than him.

“Nice work master!” It didn’t sound like a compliment.

“Thank you.” Adaire knew better than to care about them.

“Wait, I want a vision!” Another boy called out. “Make me fly!” They all started laughing.

“What, can’t do it without your scientist behind these walls? Ha, look Joey he’s gonna cry!”

They were starting to annoy Adaire, but he simply headed for the tent opening.

“Oh don’t leave! What a poor sport! Some Visionaire Master – bet he doesn’t even know what he sees!” That hit Adaire. Perhaps it was because he was annoyed with himself for not knowing what he saw most of the time.

He turned around and put strong visions of them flying in their minds. Then they were burning in rivers of fire before falling off an edge into nothingness, simply falling as their hands disintegrated.

They were screaming. Adaire still wasn’t satisfied.

“Stop it, come on!” Adaire saw a gold-haired girl at his tent opening. He did not know what she meant, but followed, leaving the visions in the boys’ minds for a few more minutes as he left.

“Who are you?” She was not a part of the circus.

“I’m Cynthia, and you?” Her dark eyes were smiling.

“Adaire. You were in the audience, you should know.”

“I didn’t think that was your real name.” She took him outside to a large old tree. “What did you do back there?”

“What they asked. Gave them visions of flying.”

“You don’t do that, that was wrong.”

Adaire had just met the girl, but she was right. He had never done anything like that before.

“It’s okay, sometimes accidents happen when we’re mad!” Adaire didn’t understand why she was doing what she was. People in the audience sometimes praised him before they left, but never had a regular conversation with him‒ let alone such an optimistic one.

“Do you have anymore shows tonight?”

“No, not tonight.”

“Have you ever seen Sydney?”

“Not much of it.”

“Great! I’ll give you a tour!” And a tour she gave. It was a while since Adaire just ventured through shops and parks without the worry of someone else disappearing.

He came home to find Dextra gone.

***

In his trailer, Adaire watched Elgan’s blonde ponytail as he made coffee in the kitchenette. The trailer he traveled in was much different than his first, equipped with beds instead of boxes. Before sharing this new one, Elgan had admitted he saw Adaire in the trailer behind boxes.

Elgan was Abrafo’s younger brother, the German wheel performer and Adaire’s mentor. He helped Adaire get accustomed to the circus living, as did everyone else, but Elgan was the newest addition before Adaire. He could offer recently experienced advice. Adaire watched him take his coffee to a small closed room in the trailer. It was a room with window seats and cushions, where Elgan spent most of his time alone for the last few months. Or last few years.

He was also Dextra’s fiancé.

Adaire wasn’t sure how long it was since she disappeared, how many months or years have passed. He could not keep track of time or of who he saw‒ it was a relief that he could even remember the names of any circus members. Maybe then he could keep track of who was gone and who was not. Nobody spoke of the disappeared, not as if they never existed, but as if it was normal to vanish. Adaire knew it was not normal and he was sure the others were trying to find out what was happening. At least that was what he figured, since he couldn’t remember having a conversation with anyone on that matter.

He found a notebook and pen in the drawer beside his bed and took it back to his window couch. He started writing names, then erasing them thinking those weren’t circus member but people he met before. Then he wrote them down again because they were a part of the circus…maybe. It didn’t matter he realized, as long as he could figure out who was missing. He knew Cressida disappeared, she was the first to do so and it was his fault. Perhaps they were all his fault since he showed vision stories to anyone who asked. They weren’t even magical or exaggerated, just normal things Adaire remembered like barbeque at his neighbour’s.

Wait‒ maybe Cressida wasn’t missing. Hadn’t he seen her yesterday? They were playing with Elgan’s performing wheel, he was sure of it. No, no, she was missing. But he saw her yesterday. But she was missing.

Adaire decided to mark her as “gone” and move on with the list. Dextra was missing, otherwise Elgan wouldn’t be so miserable. But hadn’t she just gone into the small sitting room with him? No, he went in there my himself. Miserable. He was miserable. Maybe. Was Apollo playing with Elgan’s wheel with Adaire and Cressida yesterday? No, no, they were both missing. Cressida’s whole family disappeared ‒ no Apollo’s family disappeared, Cressida didn’t have any family in the circus. Some animals were gone as well, should he list them?

Adaire threw the pen and notebook at the other side of his trailer. He had a piercing headache and could not think at all. This was worse than his foggy moments. There was a cloud up there, a dark and heavy cloud blocking any form of thought. The more he tried to think the heavier the cloud got.

The shadows were everywhere now, Adaire almost didn’t notice them. Almost. They weren’t always human anymore, but in other forms. A cloud form. They were clouds, just like the ones in his head.

Maybe he was sick. Abrafo and Kaylene should’ve helped him, and Adaire was angry they were not in his trailer right now comforting him. Where were they? Had they disappeared? No, they wouldn’t simply leave him. Out of everyone in the circus, they cared about him the most. But Adaire couldn’t remember the last time he saw either of them. Maybe he saw them this morning. Maybe they left as well, thinking it was better to be out of the circus. It still didn’t made any sense. Adaire loved the circus, when his head wasn’t killing him. Maybe he wasn’t the only one feeling suffocated, maybe that was why people started to leave since he joined. Maybe all they needed was a taste of the world outside and Adaire provided just that. Maybe he was to fully blame for his beautiful circus falling apart. He was falling apart. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Adaire was lost. He didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. Not that he’d remember what anyone said afterwards. He couldn’t do anything but be confused. He had destroyed everything he dreamed of.

Maybe he could fix it.

***

It took Adaire a month,or two before he could think of someway to help fix the damage he had done. It may have even been three months, he wasn’t sure. Or four. Years.

Thinking was even more difficult, and Adaire’s performances were weakening. He could no longer create elaborate visions of an unrealistic world, there were always holes. A giant purple lion became a grey cat, floating in the galaxy became standing in a dark room. His visions impressed people at first, but the excitement did not last long when his creativity died. Every show was worse, the shadows around the circus and in Adaire’s head pulled him away for his consciousness too often. He was still willing to perform, he had nowhere else to go and could not leave the circus in this condition. The circus’s condition and his.

His idea to help fix things wasn’t really fixing things at all, but preventing more from happening. To the people who were left, whoever they were as Adaire could not remember most of the time, he would slip in visions of happiness. Happiness in the circus, joyful dreams, a feeling of home. He would make sure they were weak images – not that he was strong enough to do powerful ones – so they wouldn’t suspect anything. No one would want to leave his circus if they loved it more than anything. It was the perfect plan.
While Barnett was taking a walk outside that night, Adaire followed him and gave him visions of excitement from the audience. How enthusiastic they were to finally get through the line and see every one of his hand picked performers. Adaire felt the cloud creeping up behind him.

“I know what you’re doing.”

Adaire instantly turned around ready for anything. “Aunt Keondra?” Barnett walked ahead without hearing a word.

“Yes, it’s me.” It was her, every long strand of brown hair her.

“I-I thought…you’re really here?”

She laughed, “it appears so, doesn’t it?”

“You disappeared!” Adaire realized that he wasn’t so sure.

“What? I only do that at the end of my performance, Adaire!” She paused, more serious. “Are you okay?”

Adaire thought Keondra had also disappeared, he was sure he marked her “gone” on his unfinished list. But she was standing right there in front of him, so he must have been wrong. Or maybe he hadn’t marked her “gone.”

“Adaire? You’re not okay. Everyone has been worried about you, you always seem absent.”

“Sorry, I just can’t keep track of who disappeared and not. No one talks about it.”

“What are you talking about?” She wasn’t going to talk about it as Adaire expected. “You’re unwell Adaire and you need some rest. No shows for a week, okay?”

“No, I have to perform—”

“You do not. And you will not.” It was final. “Go to bed Adaire, and don’t use your visions on people without their knowledge. It’s unfair to them.”

“Okay.” The shadows were coming back and Adaire wanted to get to bed before they took over his mind. “Good night.”

“Sweet dreams, hun.” Aunt Keondra scrutinized Adaire before giving him a quick hug.

Adaire could feel something around him, but could not feel the hug. He started heading to his room when he felt the shadows behind him again. Keondra was no longer behind him and he could not tell where she possibly could have gone. The shadows were stronger than ever, making Adaire rush to his room.

***

He was glad a few days later to not have to perform. Adaire hadn’t realized how much he actually hated performing.

“What’s wrong with me?” Adaire spoke to himself alone in his room. “This was supposed to be perfect, what I wanted. My real home. With colours, and talent, and amazing people and food. Traveling around the world, seeing new places and meeting so many different people. Why are things just wrong here? What did I do?” Adaire had still been lightly putting joyful circus-home thoughts in other minds, even though Keondra told him not to. It was the only way he could fix the future. It was too late to fix the past. How long ago did he sneak into the circus and land in a trailer? Had he been in the circus for months or years? Months or years became a common question for Adaire. “How old is Daniella now?” He completely forgot about her.

He forgot about Linda and John. He told stories of his life to people, but forgot to mention the family. And he felt horrible for forgetting. He wondered how they were doing, if they were looking for him, if they ever looked for him. Of course they looked for him.

Adaire walked over to the mirror. His eyes were deeper, but less tired than usual. His jawline was stronger, cheekbones sharper with light stubble. He was taller. His mind felt clearer. It had been years.

Adaire noticed the less he used his visions, the clearer he could think and the less he saw shadows. The more he saw people. Even the ones he thought disappeared.

It was odd that no one talked about it, as if it never happened. Adaire started to wonder if it ever did, if the disappearances were just in his shadow filled mind. Perhaps the shadows were just people, the ones who disappeared and reappeared. Perhaps everything in the circus was okay, but him.

Whatever the case, Adaire was positive of one thing. The more he used his powers, the more they used him. But without them, he felt useless. He had no other talent to perform, no reason for the circus to still keep him. He was nothing.

He decided to go out for a long walk that evening in the unknown city they were in.

The streets and many of the shops seemed familiar, perhaps he was here when he was younger. He remembered the pancake place, the toy store, the little candy shop. He walked until he didn’t recognise where he was, if he was even in town anymore. Then he saw a bookstore, and was sure he had been this far before. The Cornstalk Bookshop was newly painted green on the first floor exterior and white on the second but Adaire could see it was still wearing down. He went in with the hopes of finding a crime novel, he remembered them having a large selection of those.

The inside was the exact same. He managed to find his way to the crime section, but had found some pop-up books across from it. The last time he was here he had spent a good deal of time with those. None of the ones he had looked at in his childhood were there, but there was a circus pop-up he had to pick up.

“You’re never too old for pop-up books.” A golden haired woman appeared beside Adaire, watching three horses come out of the first page.

Adaire hadn’t spoken to anyone outside of the circus for years, and did not remember most of the conversations on the inside. “No, I guess not.”

“You have interesting eyes, I met only one person with eyes like that,” she speculated.

“Thank you, so do you and I’ve seen only one person with them as well.”

“Oh please, I’m sure you’ve met a few hundred people with brown eyes.”

Adaire did not just say that, he only had seen them once before but he couldn’t remember when. “Can I offer you a drink?” He had no idea where that came from.

The woman looked at the horses without speaking, and Adaire was sure he said something wrong.

“It’s okay if ‒ ”

“I’d love to.”

***

“Have you ever been here before?” The woman asked as soon as they sat down.

“Not quite.” Adaire was lucky to stumble across a nice restaurant on their short, silent walk. It was softly lit and had a strong dark chocolate interior.

“You’re from overseas. You have an accent.” She had an accent, not him.

“I travel.”

“Here are some menus, call me when you’re ready” a waiter slipped them on the table as Adaire thanked him.

“But there’s a place you spend time the most, a home.” She spoke from under her dark lashes.

“My home travels with me.”

“Oh. Are you from the North?” She wouldn’t give up.

“I was born in Canada.”

“So that’s where your accent is from!” Her eyes were gleaming to know his origins. Adaire cared more about where people were going than where they were from. “How do you like the Down Under? Have you been here before?”

They were in Australia. Adaire stopped paying attention to where they went since it was too hard to think about it. Too hard to keep up.

“I love it here. It’s been a long time since I last visited.” Was it? It was a long time since he remembered visiting at least.

“I love it here too! I recently got back from Europe, it’s been so long since I’ve been back. I’m studying ancient history at Edinburgh so I don’t have much time off to return home and will be heading back soon because I have another…” Adaire appreciated her skills in keeping up a conversation. He listened to every word she spoke, watched every expression and movement she made, learned everything he could about her. He only had to answer a question here and there while she took over for the rest of their dinner.

***

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” They finally left the restaurant after a few hours.

“Yes, I’m not quite sure where though.”

“It must be amazing to travel so much that you don’t even keep track of where you’re going!”

“Traveling so often really takes away the excitement.”

“It’s still amazing.”

“Perhaps.”

“What do you do again?”

“Right now, I’m working on study a on human minds.” Adaire wanted to dodge the question. “Will you be in town for a while?”

“Nope. Off to England first thing tomorrow.”

“To study how people before us have died.”

“That really is not all it is, you know.”

“You’re right. Ancient animals before us have died too.” She lightly smacked her purse into Adaire’s stomach and he pretended he was struck by a knife, falling over a car hood.

“That’s my car.”

“Whoops, hope I didn’t leave any blood on it.”

“Move so I can get in.”

“Are ancient historians always this pushy?”

“Only the incredible ones.” Adaire agreed that she was incredible. In his mind.

She unlocked her car and Adaire opened the door for her.

She looked at him before going in. “Thank you. I had an amazing night.” Her soft hair glimmered in the street lights. Adaire had to resist touching it.

“Me too.” He smiled, not sure what else to do.

She kissed his cheek before getting in the car.She was about to pull away when Adaire remembered he didn’t know her name.

“Wait, I never got your name!” She drove away, not hearing him.

It was late but Adaire somehow found his way to the circus dwellings without a problem.

He was passing the study when he heard some rustling

“Adaire?” Kaylene put down a book and sat up in her armchair. “How are you.” It didn’t sound like a question.

“Good. Great.” His voice was breathy and he realized he must’ve rushed home.

“You seem like you are right now.” She watched him for a moment before standing up. “You know Adaire, we’re not holding you back from anything.”

Adaire didn’t follow. “What do you mean?”

“No one has left this circus since they’ve joined, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

Adaire had no idea where she was going with this. He also understood that the disappearances really have been in his mind, all of these years. He wondered how he acted in front of everyone.

Kaylene approached him and put her hand on his cheek. The one that woman kissed. “You’ve been searching for something, I know.” Her ocean coloured eyes were strong, but Adaire knew they would be holding back tears if they belonged to someone else. “All your life, you’ve been searching.”

“Kaylene–”

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay back. Neither does Abrafo, or anyone else here– nothing should hold you back to find what you’ve been searching for.” She spoke so fast Adaire had to repeat the words in his mind again.

He put his hand on top of hers on his cheek. He understood. He never belonged.

“Kaylene. You are the greatest mother in the world,” his voice was barely above a whisper.

“And you,” she whispered back, “are the greatest son in the world.”

He kissed her forehead as she hugged him before heading out of the study.

***

He laid in his bed thinking. He remembered the entire day, yet he felt like it was a blur. He genuinely had fun in such a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so comfortable and free. And not forget it.

She was pretty. Beyond pretty, she was beautiful. Inside and out. Adaire wanted to see her again, but he didn’t know where she was, what time she would leave for Edinburgh. For god sakes he didn’t even know what her name was!

“Stupid, stupid!” Adaire was furious with himself. He went over their entire conversation. “Cynthia,” he whispered.

Cynthia, little Cynthia who gave him a tour of Sydney, who stopped him from doing worse to the boys who were teasing him. That was why he recognized the streets. It was Cynthia, he was absolutely certain. How could he have not known? Cynthia’s golden hair, her brown eyes, the way she spoke‒ they were all the same. She had recognized his eyes, she said she had seen them before. Of course she had! He pulled his hair already disheveled, feeling even more stupid for not realizing this earlier.

Then he went over the conversation with with Kaylene.

She knew, everyone knew that Adaire didn’t belong. He wondered what they thought of him, how normal or abnormal he appeared all of these years. In those years he thought he finally found his place, finally figured out where he was supposed to be. He hadn’t found out anything.

Except one thing. He found out what had been happening to him. “Our memories aren’t that reliable. What we remember is usually altered by our emotions and other thoughts at that time.” Adaire couldn’t remember where he heard it, but the quote glowed in his mind. His memories were different though. They were tarnished, ruined by the false emotions and memories he gave other people. They took over him, ruined him. He ruined him.

Maybe he could fix it.

Adaire needed to know what he was searching for, what was significant to him. He made his way to his desk and looked at the two pocket watches, side by side. He picked up the one Keondra had pulled out of her hat for him ages ago. It was still gold, solid gold. Inside, the cottage stood, unchanging and welcoming. He followed the lines with his finger, feeling the etching in the gold. This could be a home. A small lonely home, but still lovely. His finger reached the edge of the pocketwatch when he felt the layers. The structure was divided, perhaps revealing a real watch behind the second cover with the cottage image. He easily lifted it with his fingernail.

There wasn’t a watch behind the image cover. Instead there was a hidden compartment holding a folded piece of paper.

It was a plane ticket. A plane ticket to England. The flight was in two hours.

“Nothing should hold you back to find what you’ve been searching for.” Adaire repeated.

He grabbed a duffle bag and quickly packed clothes, toiletries, his passport. He gathered all of his money– it paid to work where he lived. He grabbed a coat, both of his pocket watches and was about to head out.

He went back to his desk. Left Keondra’s pocket watch on top and put his one in the dufflebag. While leaving the study, he froze at the doorway wondering if someone was there. The silence told him everyone was in their own tents or their trailers. The shadows were gone. He left as quietly as he could.

It was chilly, but Adaire knew there was a telephone booth in five blocks and he could call a cab. His watch said it was a quarter past three. He could get to the airport in twenty minutes, an hour and thirty-five minutes before his plane left. Twenty-four more hours and he would be in Edinburgh.

He put his duffle bag on his shoulder and ran.

***

Continue reading “ENVELOPED by Nowmy” →

Abby worked methodically through her stretches, just as she’d been taught to do after every practice since she was a young child. While she stretched, she watched with amusement as her friends Marco and Emilio flipped and somersaulted off of one another’s backs. Acrobats through and through, the brothers never really turned off their act. They tumbled all the way to a shallow wooden bucket in the corner of the tent. The next thing she knew, a wet rag was tossed at her face.

“Hey!” Abby laughed, but the twins only cackled. Marco, the fair-haired of the two, scooped up Emilio’s ankles and dove out of the tent, propelling his dark-haired brother in front of him like a wheelbarrow on hands.

Abby stood and sponged the sweat from her face and neck with the cool cloth. She quickly fixed her raven-coloured pigtails and dropped the rag back into the bucket as she exited the tent as well.

The Bellavia brothers were nowhere in sight, so Abby shrugged and went in search of her boyfriend. She wove easily back and forth among brightly-painted trailers and groups of circusfolk. The circus was like a small mobile village: nearly 150 members, talking, working, laughing, singing, and eating out in the sun. They had been camping in that spot for a couple of days as their main scout, Malachi, tried to secure a performance for them in the next city. The city of Dunnsville had been reluctant so far, but Malachi insisted he was close to persuading them.

It didn’t take Abby long to find Duncan. He was tinkering with his sideshow setup, as he often was when he didn’t have another job to work on.

“Hey handsome,” Abby greeted him as she approached. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled at her, straightening up from where he’d been kneeling on the ground.

“Hello there beautiful,” he answered, putting aside his tools and giving her a lingering kiss. “Have you had lunch yet?”

“Not yet,” she answered, brushing a strand of brown hair out of his eyes. “I spent most of my morning practicing with Marco and Emilio.”

“What about Snake?” Duncan asked, referring to the circus’s other star trapeze artist.

Abby shook her head. “She’s with Lee today. Her skin and hair were overdue to be dyed again.” Snake was an odd-looking woman; with black tea to dye her hair and another, more peculiar concoction to darken her skin, she looked just like the Asians who could sometimes be found doing work on the railways. Circus patrons loved to see foreigners in the acts. “Anyway, I thought we should get lunch together.”

Duncan grinned and kissed her again. “Sounds fantastic. Just give me a moment to clean up.”

Abby nodded and leaned back against a nearby trailer while Duncan packed his tools back into the sturdy canvas back he carried. She plucked absently at her fingerless fishnet gloves until he was ready to go.

Hand-in-hand, the couple walked toward the centre of the circus camp. As they passed through the set of trailers that contained some of the circus animals, the chuffing of tigers and the twittering of birds from Erica’s wagon briefly drowned out the music that came from the clowns several trailers away. They covered their noses as they passed Carter, the youngest animal trainer, shovelling elephant dung into a pile.

At the heart of the camp, several makeshift ovens and stoves had been set up for cooking. Only one of them was lit at this point, and standing next to it was Plamen, serving hot soup to a number of circus members. Not only was Plamen skilled at juggling and swallowing fire, but he was a good cook, too: many of the circusfolk had come to look forward to the days that he took on lunch duty.

Duncan and Abby helped themselves to a couple of old, chipped bowls and joined the queue for lunch. They didn’t have to wait long for their food. Plamen greeted them with the same quiet, friendly attitude he had for everyone; Duncan had no trouble striking up a conversation as the older man served them. Abby joined in, but she was distracted – she eyed the haphazard stove warily.

Plamen, who had always read people well, looked at Abby’s expression and said, “It’s only a small flame, Abby. It’s nothing to worry about.”

She glanced up at him and smiled sheepishly. Everyone in the circus knew that she was afraid of fire, but she was embarrassed nonetheless. “I know. I can’t help it.”

Duncan slipped his free arm around Abby’s waist and pulled her against his side, offering a moment’s comfort. The Albanian fire-juggler in front of them smiled. “You needn’t be nervous, it seems. You have this fine young gentleman to protect you.”

“Yes, indeed,” piped an older voice from behind the couple. “And how about that fine young gentleman takes the lovely lass at his side and gets out of my way? I’m hungry.”

Duncan and Abby turned, laughing. “Sorry, Eduardo,” Duncan apologized. The old magician grinned at them good-naturedly as they took their soup and found a place to sit on the grass and eat.

They weren’t very far into their meals when they heard a crash, a roar, and a yell from the direction of the animals. Duncan and Abby exchanged alarmed glances, putting down their bowls. Everyone’s attention was trained in the direction the noise had come from. Suddenly more yelling erupted from the same place. Duncan and Eduardo had both gotten to their feet.

“I’m going to go see what’s happening,” Duncan told Abby. She nodded, and he and Eduardo began to jog in the direction of the ruckus. Quickly dousing the flame in the stove with a nearby bucket of water, Plamen followed them.

Abby glanced around, realizing that she was now left alone with several of the children. Alfred stood up, craning his neck as if he might be able to see what was happening from where he was. “I wanna go too,” he started, but she quickly went over to join him.

“I think we should stay here,” she told him, looking to Leo and Elizabeth for backup. The two younger children nodded. Alfred looked at her, clearly conflicted, before sighing heavily and sitting back down.

“I guess we don’t have ta see it,” he decided.

“We’ll finish our soup first,” Abby suggested to him, “and then maybe we’ll go that way and see if there’s anything we can do to help, okay?”

He regarded her appraisingly for a moment, his big dark eyes calculating, then shrugged. “I guess probably that’d be good.”

She turned to the other kids and tried to smile. Behind her, she could hear more voices joining in on the yelling, and she thought she caught a whiff of smoke. Her heart pounded against her ribs.

Elizabeth turned to Leo and asked seriously, “Do you think anybody died?”

The youngest boy’s eyes went wide as saucers. “That was Terrence’s roar,” he agreed. Terrence was the circus’s resident lion, and it was true – the roar had been unmistakable. “Maybe he ate someone!”

“Don’t be silly,” Alfred told them with an air of authority. “Everyone knows Terrence don’t eat people. Erica said so herself. It’s the tigers what eat people.”

Abby laughed nervously. “Wow, you guys are full of stories!” she interjected. “But really, you shouldn’t worry. Nobody died. I’m sure everything’s just fine.”

The children weren’t paying attention. Their eyes were fixed on the distance above Abby’s head. She bit my lip, then finally succumbed to the urge to look over her shoulder towards the site of the chaos.

“Is that smoke?” Elizabeth asked. Abby froze, because Elizabeth was right. Something at the far side of the circus camp was on fire.

Abby tried to gulp down the fear that immediately bubbled to the surface of her emotions. She glanced back at the children, then towards the smoke again. One of the elephants trumpeted in distress, and she thought of the other animals – the tigers, the donkey, the birds, the dogs, the bear. Would they be all right?

Leo and Elizabeth began to babble excitedly, and even Alfred, who’d been trying to show how mature he could be, got caught up in their high-speed discussion. Abby was trying to figure out how to work out what was going on without leaving the kids when Carter approached at a jog from between the trailers.

“What’s happening?” Abby blurted, unable to remain entirely calm.

Carter ran a hand through his hair, looking stressed. “You know how we’ve been training Terrence with the hoops, right? Well, Erica and Alec agreed he was probably ready to try the flaming hoop shtick sometime soon. He’d done okay with little fires, right, and he’s great with the hoop-jumping. So Alec tried it for the first time today, but Terrence panicked. He knocked the hoop over. It should’ve been fine, but the hoop hit a coil of rope, and the fire got all the way to Terrence’s wagon. The whole thing’s gone up in flames.”

The children grew even more excited, but Abby felt her oldest fears turning in her belly. She glanced down at them and grabbed Leo’s and Alfred’s wrists before they got it in their heads to run off and see. “Doesn’t Alec keep water nearby when he does the fire tricks?” she asked desperately.

“Of course he does, but only enough for the hoop!” Carter replied. “It only takes a bucket! They’ve got a water line going down there, something like thirty people, plus about a dozen trying to get Terrence in hand. You can only imagine how frightened he was when his wagon caught.”

Abby bit her lip, begging herself not to cry. Next to her, Leo clutched her shirt with both hands, suddenly frightened. “Is- Is everyone all right?” Abby asked. “How do you calm down a panicking lion?”

“Erica wanted to gas him, but they couldn’t even trap him long enough for that. Fyodor had to knock him out with a blow to the head. Terrence wasn’t down long, but it was long enough for them to throw down a net and get him tied.”

Elizabeth shrieked, unable to contain herself. “It’s okay, sweetie!” Abby tried desperately to comfort the little girl despite her own growing terror. Elizabeth threw her hands into the air.

“Fyodor knocked out a lion!” the girl cried, wide-eyed. She didn’t seem to know what she should do with the information. “Fyodor knocked out a lion!”

Abby let go of Leo, who had relaxed slightly when Carter said that Terrence was knocked out, and pulled Elizabeth against her side. Then she looked back at Carter. “Will Terrence be all right? Won’t that hurt him?”

Carter made a face, clearly uncertain. “Yeah, it’ll hurt him, but not nearly as much as he might hurt someone else if he got loose in that state. He may not want to cooperate for the next few days.”

Abby took a few deep breaths and held the children close, trying to calm herself down. There was a bit less smoke in the sky now. “But everyone is all right?”

“Nobody’s hurt, aside from a few small burns,” Carter promised. Then, seeming to know what she was thinking, he said, “Duncan’s fine. When he heard Erica tell me to get out of the way, he asked me to come back here and let you know what was going on. He knew you’d be worried.”

Abby blew out a long breath, trying to let go of all of the anxiety that had gathered in her middle. The tears she’d been fighting sprang into her eyes. Then, still wound up, she pulled Carter in for a hug, too. Despite being four years her junior, he was quite a bit bigger than her. Awkwardly, he patted her back.

“Thanks, Carter,” Abby murmured, trying not to get too emotional. The prospect of fire frightened her more than she cared to admit, but knowing that it was being well taken care of helped her calm her nerves. The fear had been like a spring coiling in her gut, and now it was released, striking her other emotions powerfully.

~

It was early the next morning when Abby slipped out of her trailer and headed for Duncan’s. Normally she waited until after breakfast to see him, but she’d just woken from a nightmare and needed some comfort. His best friend and roommate, Carol, was already up; he was outside the trailer stretching and beginning to get moving for the day. He met Abby’s gaze, but said nothing, only nodding amiably. She nodded back and quietly opened Duncan’s trailer door.

Duncan was still asleep, laying on his side with his back to the wall. Abby left her shoes on the grass outside and tiptoed through the trailer toward Duncan’s bunk. Doing her best to stay quiet, she climbed into the bed and slid under the covers, nestling close to Duncan’s front.

Duncan knew instinctively, without having to wake up very much, that it was Abby who had come to join him. Hers was a familiar weight on his mattress. Sleepily, he stretched his arm across her side and pulled her in close.

With a sigh of relief, Abby rolled over and tucked her back against Duncan’s chest, happily allowing him to curl his large body around her smaller form. One of his arms was wrapped snugly around her middle, the other outstretched so that it hung off the bed. She laid her head on his bicep and let herself relax. With one deep breath, she blew out the tension that had coiled inside her since she awoke from her bad dream.

It didn’t take her long to doze off again, feeling safe and warm with Duncan in his bed. She was vaguely aware of the sounds of birds outside, and of Carol slipping back into the trailer to grab a few things and leave again, and of the scent of Duncan’s body permeating the blankets that fell across her shoulders.

Then Duncan began to move next to her, and she woke again. He mumbled something unintelligible but affectionate in tone, and she rolled over once again to nuzzle his chest. He smiled sleepily and kissed the top of her head.

“Good morning,” Duncan eventually managed, sweeping his hand down Abby’s side.

“Is now,” she agreed with a tiny smile.

“Everything all right?” He blinked a few times, trying to wake himself up, and then looked down at her with concern.

“Yeah.” She reached up to comb her fingers through his bangs, a lazy attempt to neaten his bed hair. “I had a bad dream, is all. I’m good now, though.”

“All right. As long as you feel better.” She nodded, and he smiled broadly at her. “I must say, you’re a very fine sight to wake up to in the morning.”

“If I’d woken up here, rather than in my own trailer, I’m sure I‘d return the sentiment,” Abby teased.

Duncan laughed, and then, suddenly, he rolled on top of her and pinned her down. She let out a small yelp of surprise, but was cut off when he lowered his face to hers and kissed her. After a long moment, they separated, smiling.

“Would you care to join me for breakfast?” Duncan asked cheerfully.

“Certainly,” Abby answered, biting back a grin.

Soon Duncan lifted the whistling teapot off the stove and poured hot tea into a mismatched pair of teacups. He placed them on the little table in his trailer and took his seat, picking up his fork and choosing a small piece of ham from his plate. “So what was this bad dream about?” he asked Abby across the table.

“It was a bit silly, really,” Abby admitted self-consciously as she felt Duncan’s foot land lightly on top of her own beneath the table. “I just… I dreamt that yesterday’s fire got out of hand, and people got hurt. And then no one got Terrence under control, and he was attacking people, and then all of a sudden all of the animal’s trailers were on fire and they were all going to die, and…” she trailed off, looking upset.

Duncan’s expression softened, and he reached for her hand across the table. “It’s not silly, love. I mean, for starters, fire is a completely natural thing to be afraid of…”

She nodded half-heartedly. “I know. I just felt so useless yesterday, and I hated it.”

He smiled and squeezed her fingers. “Listen, the whole circus is thrown off from yesterday’s chaos. Dougal wants me and some of the other guys to go back over there and see what we can do about a temporary wagon for Terrence. Erica had to keep him sedated all night long, because we had nowhere to put him. There will be a lot of people helping out. Why don’t you come along and see if there’s anything you can do?”

Abby bit her lip. “I should be practicing today…”

Duncan lifted his eyebrows at her, chuckling. “Come on. Snake’s always sore the day after dyeing, and you can’t honestly expect Marco and Emilio to stay away from a scene like the one we’ve got down by Terrence’s trailer. There’s no way you’ll really be missing out on anything.”

“Well…” Abby hesitated a moment longer. “If Dougal says it’s okay. He’s the one who wants us practicing so much lately. He wants our audiences to really be able to see how much we’ve improved in the year since they’ve seen us.” Dougal Fortherbird was the owner and ringmaster of the circus, and Abby often took his word as law.

Duncan grinned. “I guarantee he’ll be down there this morning. You can ask when we arrive.” He pointed at her plate with his fork. “Finish up. We’ve got to get moving.”

She nodded and quickly ate up what remained of her breakfast. Once they had finished their tea, Duncan gathered up his tools and put them into his tool bag along with the journal he kept on wagon repairs. Together the pair stepped into the bright morning sunlight and headed through the circus camp toward the animals’ trailers.

Nearly half the circus seemed to be milling around in that area, but it didn’t take long for Abby to find the young ringmaster. His rich baritone voice and trademark striped tailcoat made him stand out in any crowd, even one of circus performers. He was standing near Erica’s bright red-and-blue trailer, now slightly scorched at one corner.

Dougal Fortherbird had his hands on Erica’s arms. The old woman looked exhausted – she had dark circles under her eyes, and her usually square shoulders sagged with fatigue.

“Get some rest,” Dougal was directing her. “We’ve got plenty of help. Alec can look after Terrence. You need to sleep.”

The head animal trainer sighed. “Very well. Terrence needs to be fed with the sedatives every two hours. And someone needs to take care of Josep; he hasn’t been fed.”

“It’ll get done,” Dougal promised. He turned her around and pushed her gently toward the open door of her trailer. “Now get some sleep. If it’s too noisy out here, Lee’s offered to let you rest in her wagon across camp.”

Once Erica was shut safely in her trailer, Dougal turned his attention to Abby, who had been waiting patiently. He pulled a silly face at her, letting her know in his own way what a long morning it had already been. “What can I do for you?”

Abby chuckled at her boss’s antics. “I… I wanted to know if I could be of some help this morning,” she said self-consciously. “I wasn’t around to help yesterday, and I feel badly.”

Dougal shook his head. “Don’t. You looked after a few of the children, I understand, and kept them out of the chaos, which is help, even if it doesn’t feel that way.” He smiled at her, then turned his gaze to the crowded scene around them. “As for today, you can see that it’s a bit disorderly, but I’m sure you can make yourself useful. A number of the men are working on constructing new quarters for Terrence… We’re a bit shorthanded when it comes to animal care for the day, though. Erica, as you may have guessed, was up all night long looking after the lion. Alec’s taken over now, but frankly, he’s not much better. Carter and a few of the others have been trying to take care of the regular duties, but it seems they could use another set of hands.”

Abby nodded. “Sure, no problem.”

“Thanks.” Dougal patted her on the shoulder and then made his way towards where Duncan, Carol, and some of the others were inspecting the charred remains of Terrence’s wagon.

Abby soon found herself helping Carter feed Josep, the circus bear. They were tossing fish from a bucket through a gap in the bars of his wagon. The big brown bear snorted and chuffed as he munched away on the fish, seeming content with his meal.

“Abby, can I ask you about something?” Carter said suddenly. Abby looked up at him in surprise, but he was still focussed on his task.

“Sure, go for it,” she answered.

“Are you afraid of fire because of how your parents died?”

Abby stalled. After a moment, she replied, “You know about that?”

Carter threw the last fish into Josep’s trailer and finally turned to look at her. “Alec told me,” he explained. “Your parents left you with Fortherbird senior for the night to go into town for business. They got caught in an inn fire.”

“Yeah.” Abby looked at the ground.

“I don’t mean to upset you,” Carter went on. “I was just thinking… I understand how that would make fire frightening, especially because you were so young. But, you know, I just thought… well, the fire here yesterday didn’t really hurt anyone.”

Abby didn’t answer; she didn’t know what to say. Hesitantly, Carter stepped closer to her, reaching out and putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I was just thinking,” he said again, “that maybe you can learn not to be so scared. I know that Duncan sent me back to talk to you because he knew you’d be frightened when you saw smoke. But I think the part of you that gets so scared is the part of you that’s still young and missing your parents. Maybe you can teach that part of you that it’s not so bad.” He cast a glance over his shoulder towards the circusfolk that were trying to construct a new trailer. “Nobody’s hurt. Everyone worked together to take care of the fire, and we’re still working together to get back on our feet from what did get damaged. You know? It didn’t destroy us.”

Abby looked up at him again. The young man’s face was sincere. She swallowed and tried to smile. “You’re right on that part, at least,” she admitted.

Then she drew him in for a hug again. This time he was slightly more prepared, and he embraced her in return.

“Thanks, Carter,” Abby said when she pulled away from him. He nodded and offered an encouraging smile, holding out the empty bucket.

She took it from him and headed back toward the others, setting her shoulders and resolving to look at the fire’s effects with a different eye.